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One Seeker's Journey: Handling Conflict on the Road to Enlightenment |
Category: Thoughts 9 comments 2 Jan 2004 @ 01:31 by shawa : HeheheheheThe process of the mediation teams at NCN was indeed a fascinating one!... NCN is a PERFECT training ground!... :-D A Very Happy New Year, Craig, to you and to your loved ones! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hi Shakti, Thanx for the note, and happy new year to you, too. I think you're right, that NCN is truly a training ground. It is, in a way, a small scale laboratory for the larger New Civ that we are trying to build. I haven't followed the whole mediation thing, or that which was driving it, but I think I got a little taste of it in the last couple of weeks. I think that it's an idea whose time has come. Thanks again for your observation. Best, -Craig 2 Jan 2004 @ 07:20 by martha : Conflict While I don't disagree with you craig I believe a larger issue looms. One of EGO and power over. When one is full of ego and feels their view is the only valid one then conflict arises. Power over is at the heart, to control our lives and everyone around us instead of just being. In order to have power over one needs to be full of EGO in order to control. As more individulas become aware then they will look at EGO and conrtol and ignore it. As more people just be and live their spirit the need for control will drop away...conflict, power over...will fade. Happy New Year to you and Gwen. 2 Jan 2004 @ 09:51 by craiglang : Good Point Martha, I think you have a very good point. After I posted this, I was reading more in "Power of Now". Tolle pretty much says the same thing you just did. I also like Steven Covey's "Seek first to understand, then to be understood". I believe that this gets to the very deep questions of whether conflict is always ego based, or if there can be something occurring at and even deeper level. Some say that "riteous anger" comes from a deeper level - an example being Jesus turning over the tables of the money-changers. But others say that this is very debateable. Tolle suggests that when events occur for which we feel anger, that we remember to observe our emotions - to go inside and get in touch with our core being. What does our core-self say about what is going on? He also says that the only way to truly understand the core-self of the other person is through our own core-self. So to see outward, one must look inward. IMHO These are great pieces of advice. Lesson time, I guess. The challenge is to remember this wisdom at the right time... :-) Thanks for the note. Happy new year to you, too. -Craig 3 Jan 2004 @ 20:53 by hgoodgame : NCN, as every place we find ourselves, is our perfect training ground. Its also our perfect playground. I add that because I feel sometimes all this conscious growth seems to loom as work and I want to play too.;) Shawa, for me the mediation was a learning experience; observing my inner process as well as getting to observe the outer playing out of us all. I can feel the evolving energy of our group. It seemed an appropriate step. In a natural flow of events sort of way. How to disagree constructively, as Craig mentions, is the key issue. If we can figure this one out, especially if we can simplify the process and demonstrate it in how we live our lives, treat one another, it could start a natural peace movement. OMG!! How could we do that? Use yourself as a guinea pig, do the inner work necessary, step by step. Another issue I think is remaining focused on ones personal growth and not trying to fix the others around you, sharing what we think is right and good because it seems right for us. As Martha says, when any group or individual feels their view is the only valid one and tries to force that on others, theres a root of conflict. The challenge to remember this wisdom when we need it is overcome by going thru the process. First we remember after the reaction has already occurred, but at least we catch ourselves. If thats where youre at, then pat yourself on the back for getting that far! In time, we catch ourselves before we act out but still have the inner reaction. Its just like training yourself for anything new. With practice it becomes the natural response. I would love to hear what other ideas people have that they think would be a way to disagree without feeling defensive or needing to be right. There must be tons of skillful techniques available.. [link] What about the issue of people enjoying conflict? What would happen if there was no bad news? What if there was nothing to fix or complain about? Then what would we do? Hmmm lol 4 Jan 2004 @ 01:30 by shawa : That´s great Heidi - absolutely, I agree with both Martha and you when you say : " (...)"when any group or individual feels their view is the only valid one and tries to force that on others, theres a root of conflict." The first thing to teach oneself, is that you may be right for yourself (even disregarding facts if that´s where you are at, lol) - but living in harmony, even in the Net - we have to learn that our cherished opinions are just that, and that they must in fact be negotiated if we want to share a space with other people, who may be VERY different from us... A great learning experience for all of us!... 4 Jan 2004 @ 03:39 by jazzolog : Beep Beep That's supposed to be a "honk," which phrase in the entry I find delightful. Anyway, it seems to me the learning experience here at NCN and other message boards like it is not so much about Building The Big, New Civilization. I think it's about---initially and right now---learning to communicate with people in this medium. While some folks have been chatting on the Internet for years, many of us still just are beginning, and it's a different experience than other forms of writing. When I write a letter to someone and mail it, there's small chance anyone else will read it---unless it's to the editor of a newspaper. I probably know the guy to whom I write, and it's rare that a misunderstanding is going to ensue. When I wrote a note to somebody at school...and it got intercepted, hang on to your hat because rumors are going to fly. We call this area of the Network a message board because literally we are tacking our thoughts up...and anybody in the world can take a look---and take offense. When we respond to somebody who's getting hot with us on the Internet, I think the tendency of us newbies is to write forcefully. I think we say things more strongly than we would in person because we want to drive home the point we were trying to make. However, a flame war burns down the house we were trying to build into a home. Many people also seem to read and respond very quickly on the computer, further leaving doors open for bad moods and searing insult to enter a dialogue. At NCN we represent many cultures, many countries and languages. I would like to see us even more representative of the world. But I must say I think people argue here a lot...and probably more so than you find in your everyday acquaintances at home or work. It's even possible that aggression in the Member Area drives the great majority of the membership away from participation. Maybe there should be a WorkGroup called ANGER: Let It Out!---along with all those peace and love and resolution efforts. PS I think those mediators did make some progress at the site, didn't they? 4 Jan 2004 @ 14:51 by craiglang : Interesting Idea - ANGER working group Boy, that would be a pleasant room to be in [just kidding]... :-) I wonder If/How we could do that. Could there be a forum for letting it all hang out, while keeping it from starting a war (flame or otherwise)? Generally, I hear alot about "the ego", etc. - and how "expressing anger is bad - or at least unenlightened". I think I have even said this myself. But my sense is that this is a necessary part of being human. We all have egos, and we all get PO'ed at times. Even Jesus got mad. Sometimes venting is a necessary part of healing. So how can we "vent" in a civilized way? Could this be a tool to foster healing in some way? Could there be some sort of an e-punching-bag out there to which one could send their flame mails?... :-) Creative suggestions are always welcome. I think that this an excellent chunk of the peace-studies picture. Thanx for your thoughts Jazz. -Craig 4 Jan 2004 @ 15:11 by craiglang : Additional Thought(s) Heidi mentioned above that it's eaier to want to "fix" the other person, than to "fix" your self. That is Soooo true... I heard someone joking one time that "...your problem is that you don't agree with me...". Jazz also mentioned that wording online tends to be stronger than if we were speaking face to face. I suspect that this is because you don't get the body language or vocal inflections that you would get via face-to-face or even via telephone. It's easy to get carried away, but also since we don't immediately percieve the other person's emotions, its easy to substitute our own. Also, Alana mentioned something one time that I think is very interesting: That we tend to be most defensive about those areas in which we are insecure. Looking at my own reactions to past events, I think that's probably true. So my question becomes: When we feel this orneriness coming on, what is a good step to take? Eckhart Tolle gives some good suggestions from the perspective of mindfulness, such as go inside and observe the grumpiness [my paraphrase]. It's just difficult to remember to do that when someone has just said something that punches one's "big red button" :-) Some food for thought as we "debug the system"... :-) 4 Jan 2004 @ 16:20 by hgoodgame : How to Again, many great techniques already out there for this one. A workgroup could be developed around an attitude of helping members with anger management issues if they are wanting to take responsibility for their anger, not just blame and complain. Otherwise, if it's only to gripe, there's plenty of those already here. A common suggestion for communicating from an attitude of agression is to NOT make it about the other person. Use "I" statements. "I feel angry" as opposed to "You make me mad". Be willing to explore the feeling, recognize that it belongs to you, not the other person. One of the things I learned along the way was a simple statement when someone seems to be on the offense and it's this - "This means nothing about me". They may be having a bad day, or they may actually be mad at me about something I've said or done that "honked them off".. haha I love that expression! Still, their reaction literally "means nothing about me". If I can be ok with that and not respond defensively then often the situation is immediately defused. (On the other hand, if you are dealing with a manipulative person, they may become even more offended that their reactions have so little effect on you and will continue to push you until they find your boundary - children are notorious for this technique.) Craig, at this point in our development, anger is still a very normal response. Repressing it can cause worse problems than expressing it depending on how we express it. Learning to express anger skillfully, neither blaming ourselves for how we feel or others for triggering those feelings will be a good start. Somewhere I read that even if you can't forgive the other person, at least forgive yourself for being unable to forgive. Any step in the right direction is a good step. There may be times you need to tell someone you can't respond right now because you aren't centered and you need time to process what just occurred. When I get angry, it's seems like a cloud of righteousness descends on me and I can't see thru it because I am sooo right.. At such a time I am more likely to react than respond. I need to distance myself from the situation until I've gestated thru the process. Kurt (my hubby) mentioned something else regarding all this that I thought was a good point. If someone is truly in the wrong, they still need to be given a graceful way out (save face). This will prevent the issues from resurfacing. We've all got "stuff" to work thru. Let's be gentle with each other as we learn. I'm glad to see we are all trying to gain understanding in this area. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Interesting and very meaningful comments. Thanx, -Craig Other entries in Thoughts 3 Jan 2008 @ 15:50: What will/would the Awakening be like? 2 Oct 2007 @ 20:26: The Ark and The Grail - An evening of fascination and discernment 24 Jul 2006 @ 17:46: Aliens, Allies and Discernment 1 Jul 2006 @ 16:19: UFOs, Rainbows and Bare Earth 23 Jun 2006 @ 18:34: Response to Space.com 'Ten Alien Encounters Debunked' 18 Mar 2005 @ 19:12: More on Writing - fiction vs nonfiction 7 Mar 2005 @ 16:43: Prescient E.T. Contact SciFi 31 Jan 2005 @ 20:55: Another Spooky Connection? 20 Jan 2005 @ 19:55: A Positive Agenda - a letter to MoveOn.org 21 Oct 2004 @ 00:05: For everything there there is a time
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