|MUSE LOG: Vacant Lot
Category: The Journal
12 comments10 Nov 2004 @ 07:16 by quidnovi : The sea laugh, lashing on both shores
Carried in the waves, we have only the here and now,
The heavens laugh, at the troubled world
Only they know, who is to win and lose
The mountains laugh, the rain is afar
When the waves grow old, the world still goes on
The clear winds laugh, such a feeling of solitude
Bygone camaraderie, leaving behind a tinge of melancholy.
---Xiaoao jiang hu
10 Nov 2004 @ 09:11 by quidnovi : Elegy for Andy:
I loved Andy like a brother. I'd never even met the kid, but he struck me, from day one, as someone deeply sincere and something about his ways (maybe the defiant part) stuck with me, and it's actually with him in mind that I originally toyed with the idea of creating this Workgroup, now known as the Muse, that we eventually launched together---and which, in a corner of my mind, I have always considered as "his," which is why, ever since the Muse was launched, and today still, his name remains the one listed as the "contact" for this room.
The following is one of the very last thing I said to Andy who was asking if I was coming back to NCN (which is not particularly recent as it is about more than one year old already.) As always, part of it was about NCN at large, some of it was about the world we live in and the way we relate to it, and some of it was "indirectly" directed at Andy:
Back? Yes and No (how quantic of me :-) Time, you know---but I am sure you don't need me to tell you about Time as you have been grasping with it too.
I try to keep interested in NCN. I wish people would break out of their rut. I see so much in people (maybe too much?) There is no doubt that NCN is a good ground for a psychology major. It can also be a good place for emotional support, though the opposite is also true, it could be a dangerous place for people who are in serious trouble and are looking for help. I feel there is too much emphasis on people (who they are or the appearances they are trying to keep up) and not enough on the issues at stake (problem solving)---which is one of the reasons I am hardly posting any comments anymore and if I have something to say I do it under a pseudonym, hoping against reason that maybe people will react on what is actually being said rather than on who is doing the saying---a difficult thing as many here, falling to the trappings of their background in psychology or pop-psychology and "king of the mountain game", have become unable to do so:
"- We've hit an iceberg, the boat is leaking, it's half-full with water. We better start scooping or we shall sink.
- I don't know, Martin. Did you say the boat is half-full, hmmm...interesting that. I say it's half-empty.
- Martin? Did you say leaking or licking. Ahahahaha :-)
- Let go of the boat, Martin, we are all amphibians.
- Martin, for your information, we didn't hit the iceberg, it's the iceberg which hit us. Check it out [link]
- Yeah, Martin, Icebergs can have many different forms, depending on their origin and age. They are usually classified as tabular (resembling a flat tabletop), rounded, or irregular. From massive tabular icebergs calved from ice shelves to small irregular bergs that have been weathered and scoured by wind and waves, they present spectacular sights in the polar and subpolar seas."
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
I don't know, maybe I am expecting too much.
"Maybe Im just 2 demanding
Maybe Im just like my father 2 bold
Maybe I'm just like my mother
Shes never satisfied (shes never satisfied)"
"I say tomato, you say potato"
"You say potato, they say pesticide..."
Unless you are Dan Quayle, in which case you say "potatoe", but I digress How NCN-like of me. It's all part of the charm, I am sure---but do I have time for this?
Meanwhile at the office, there is that new girl, who has been working here for a couple of months now. She reminds me of Miranda in Picnic at Hanging Rock. Well, she had a fight with her boyfriend and so she has asked me to handle him if he calls the office and just make up some excuses as to why she can' t come to the phone...sigh...He's called about half a dozen times already as I am writing those lines and I can tell that his heart is broken. I suppose that there are problems people must solve for themselves. All the same, It just served to remind me of how awkwardly helpless I feel at times. I wish I could help. I wish I could be more. I wish I could do more.
"I wish I was a person
with unlimited breath
I wish I was a heartbeat
that never comes to rest
Never say never
I wish I was a writer
who sees what is yet unseen
I wish I was a prayer
expressing what I mean
I wish I was a forest
of trees that do not hide"
"Never never never never letting go
Never giving up, never saying no
Just go go, never stop and never think
To do do do do the right thing"
That last bit, of course, for those who have seen the movie, or for those who like Andy own a copy of the CD, is from "Run Lola Run." In his reply to me Andy mentioned that "it feels really cool to be running to catch a bus to the music of 'Run Lola Run'"---unbeknownst to him, this just so happened to be a thing that I also used to do periodically at the time.
It has been a while since I have listened to that soundtrack, but when I do again listen to it in the future I know it will never again have to me the same meaning it used to have. I wish I had been here. I wish I could have made a difference. And yes, there are those times when one feels akwardly helpless.
13 Nov 2004 @ 01:05 by Father of Andy "Invictus" Lehman @184.108.40.206 : survival
Unconditional love (a parent's obligation?, but always my joy), forgiveness (I could never stay mad at Andy for very long, his actions never warranted it), and thankful rememberance (to Andy's spirit and to all those at NewCiv that supported him, challenged him and gave him hope). A week and a few days is entirely too long to be without my (a father's perogative) Andy. I pray (regret or do not fret, for I share(d) Andy's "faith" in organized religion) that the pain of Andy's final (and one of few) mistakes will not spread, but that I/we/each me will somehow find/make something worthwhile happen on a personal/limited group/universal level. I am more awake right now than I have ever been (have trouble sleeping or being coherent, HAH)and filled with emotions. Several "what ifs?", most of which settle down to "Andy was so stuborn that it wouldn't have changed things." Still, one wonders as his was a noble cause. I fear that some of the values that I most cherished (learned to love) about my son were those that made him (allowed him to be) vulnerable, but there must be a path where I could have had both. My thoughts and thanks are with each of you who knew and loved Andy, those of you who took the time to read and discuss his writings, those of you who held his hand (in the flesh or via the electrons). Father of Andy Lehhman (aka Scott)
13 Nov 2004 @ 14:26 by swan : Dear Scott
I loved Andy too and feel a great loss with his passing. He and I were in a workgroup together, and we grew to really like each other. I witnessed his brilliant mind, his creative thoughts and his deep questions. Some times we didn't see eye to eye but for some reason Andy and I just respected our differences and it was cool that we challenged each others thinking. He won't be forgottten.
I am so sorry for your loss, I am a mother and I can't imagine lossing one of my children. I send my prayers and blessing to you and Andy's mother and sister.
13 Nov 2004 @ 14:36 by martha : Dear Scott
Andy was well loved on NCN by many people and he will be missed. I did an interview with him last year and I'll leave the link in case you return and want to read it. Andy is a son to be proud of. Being in one's early twenties can be a confusing time as one seeks direction. I commend you scott for raising a son who thought for himself. I know the pain of loss of a child and I can only say that with time you will smile as you remember all the beautiful aspects of Andy.
Good luck to you and your family.
13 Nov 2004 @ 16:53 by scotty : Dear Scott
thankyou so much for taking the time to come here and share something of your hurt and loss with us. I'm so glad and happy to have known Andy in here - my life is a little bit richer because of it.
My deepest respects to all of your family.
13 Nov 2004 @ 18:22 by jstarrs : Scott...
...thanks for sharing.
13 Nov 2004 @ 22:05 by vibrani : Dear Scott
Andy was his own person, that's for sure, had a big heart and a brilliant mind, and that's one reason why he was so loved. Thank you for sharing your message. My condolences and prayers to you and your family.
Andy and his messages live on through his writing.
1 Nov 2005 @ 04:21 by Hanae @220.127.116.11 : If you visit me at my grave
"If one day, my dear friend,
You visit me at my grave,
And you do find fresh flowers
Newly planted around my grave,
Don’t ever take them to be
Regular flowers under your feet,
Or that Spring has just brought them
To decorate my new dwelling.
Those are my songs that have never been sung,
Carried away in my heart with me.
Those were verses of love,
Which I had no chance to recite before I died.
Those were warm kisses sent down from a universe
And whose roads were shut down by my very grave."
---Hovannes Toumanyan: "If you visit me at my grave"
20 Mar 2006 @ 17:26 by swanny : Tears
Let my tears water these flowers
Flowers need tears...
as tears need flowers.
2 Aug 2007 @ 07:35 by vaxen : And:
I have found in history that heroes never die. They keep coming back again from somewhere in the sky.
Take me to that meeting place of heroes brave and true. Once I'm there I'll learn the art and skills of what to do.
All I've found on earth so far are those afraid to live. Now attend the weaker ones with nothing left to give.
So come with me to hero land where people are still free. Then return to earth once more to fight for liberty.
Heroes never die.
29 Sep 2008 @ 18:17 by ashanti : We do not forget
Heroes never die, we do not forget.
Other musings in The Journal
7 Mar 2004 @ 12:49: Coffee in the Backyard - Chapter 3
13 Feb 2004 @ 18:38: Chrysalis
8 Feb 2004 @ 14:00: DreamLight
1 Nov 2003 @ 02:43: Hallu-Ci-Nant!
1 Nov 2003 @ 02:32: Samhain Poem
1 Nov 2003 @ 02:26: ...Merry Samhain!
30 Oct 2003 @ 17:15: Coffee in the Backyard - Chapter 3
22 Oct 2003 @ 13:15: The Muse
28 Sep 2003 @ 18:11: Do Dolphins speak Chinese?
22 Sep 2003 @ 14:50: Pour toi, Francis...