 |
Xanadu 2012: $25 Million |
Category: Articles 1 comment 4 Dec 2009 @ 00:24 by swanny @70.65.9.110 : Canadian HumorConservatives say torture of environment only hearsay PORT OF SPAIN, TRINIDAD "" Prime Minister Stephen Harper has sidestepped a plea from the UN Secretary-General to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, saying that Canada's alleged torture of the environment is only "hearsay." Harper said in a meeting with Ban Ki-moon that allegations Canada is involved in the systematic torture of the environment are "nothing short of hearsay, second- or third-hand information, or that which came directly from Greenpeace." The Conservative government has been in full damage control as they've sought to discredit accusations from citizens who say they've noticed "a lot" of smoke in the sky, poison in the water, and big fields of Northern Albertan sludge which may point to an environment tortured after it was surrendered to corporate control. Harper says the accusations are unpatriotic, and that the Conservative government stands with its energy workers, even if the opposition does not. In related news, a Canada goose says it was sent to Syria and subjected to a torture known as oilboarding. "They were suspicious of me because I leave the country for six months every year," the goose said. Conservatives blindsided by NDP's talk of "environment" VANCOUVER - Prime Minister Stephen Harper accused federal NDP leader Jack Layton of "desperation" for his attempt to rally British Columbian New Democrats around "environmental responsibility," a concept that Harper said he is not familiar with. "I have never heard of this so-called 'environment,'" Harper said after Layton delivered a green-centered speech at the recent B.C. leadership convention. "This bizarre platform plank shows the desperation of a party that is clearly grasping at straws." Harper seemed unaware how to pronounce 'environmental' and blamed it several times on his poor French skills. "This new 'environment' concept may be out of left field, but we will defeat them on this issue as we have on so many others," Harper said. "We will study this 'environment' and completely eradicate it if necessary. Mark my words." Harper to shuffle polar bears out of existence OTTAWA - With major climate change talks coming in Copenhagen next week, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced a major reshuffling of his cabinet yesterday, including an expected decision to shuffle polar bears out of existence. Harper, harshly criticized on the environment portfolio, said the polar bears' move would begin immediately, with plans already in place to have the endangered species sink into the Arctic waters and drown. Harper said the tactic was necessary to ensure that Canadians understand that the Conservatives are serious about the environment. "Despite the good work we have done on the environment file, we continue to receive bad press thanks to certain special interest groups, such as polar bears," Harper said. "It is my intention to do what is best for all Canadians, and if that means that polar bears have to relocate, then so be it. Atlantic Canadians do it all the time." The impending polar bear shuffle is just one of several moves Harper is making as he restructures not just the environment portfolio, but also the environment. "We see it as a holistic approach," he explained. For instance, the Conservatives' plan to slightly tweak greenhouse gas emissions should help eliminate redundancies and inefficiencies among fish and birds. "Maybe we'll find areas where 10 birds are doing a job that five birds could be doing," he said. "And studies show that many species are actually more precious when they're endangered. It's win-win." Prentice: War on Terror winnable, war on global warming impossible OTTAWA - Environment Minister Jim Prentice told a business dinner yesterday that hitting the 2012 targets for greenhouse gas emissions in the Kyoto protocol is impossible, unlike the eradication of terrorists worldwide, which is "inevitable." "We have to, as Canadians, recognize the realities we are facing on climate change, which is not as easy as, say, the War on Terror," Prentice told a crowd of 400 at an Ottawa Board of Trade function. "While we are dedicated to our evironmental targets, we have to recognize the logistical impossibility of consistently eliminating greenhouse gases. We're not talking Islamofascists here." Prentice said that unlike universally accepted terms such as "terrorist," global warming is a more ephemeral concept that many people have varying opinions on. "One man's global warming is another man's frost fighter," he said. Prentice stressed that even if the Conservatives thought they could fight global warming, Canada still would not be able to battle effectively because the country's troops are spread thin. "We have the War on Terror to think about and our inevitable victory against evil," he said. "But beyond that, we have people fighting the War on Drugs and the War on Obesity. Also traditional marriage is constantly under attack. We simply do not have the resources to fight global warming." Prentice did concede that some resources should be freed up soon because the Conservatives recently announced a phased withdrawal from the War on Poverty. Alternative Conservative plan: Wear out world oil reserves OTTAWA - The Conservatives will unveil their Canada-made solution to the climate change talks in Copenhagen "" a plan to diminish Canada's use of fossil fuels by encouraging Canadians to burn through them as quickly as possible. "Global warming is a problem that faces us all," environment minister Jim Prentice said as she unveiled the "made-in-Canada" plan. "If we all work together to burn our oil both at home and abroad, we will win this battle through attrition." Prentice noted that having people leave all their lights on, use air conditioning and heaters simultaneously, and drive SUVs helps eliminate hated fossil fuels while also benefiting the economy. "Al Gore was right," he said. "If you face the horrors of environmental degradation head on, you actually stimulate business." The opposition parties were quick to dismiss the Conservative plan, however, noting that it is virtually impossible to get Canadians to be more wasteful. Conservatives to make Canada 'hospitable within a generation' OTTAWA - Prime Minister Stephen Harper says the Conservatives' long-term environmental plan will have a positive impact on every Canadian, "from the Inuit with new places to swim to the Toronto homeless man who can sleep without fear of frost." Harper told a news conference in the nation's capital that he has a grand vision for the country. Said Harper: "Our environmental plan seeks to create a Canada where countrymen from coast to coast to coast are bound together by a shared belief: everything's fine." Harper spoke passionately about the need "to continue the hard work of climate change, so that all Canadians can enjoy the temperate climate of Vancouver, while Vancouver will become a tropical getaway not unlike Hawaii." Then in a bold closing statement that brought to mind the speeches of U.S. President John F. Kennedy, Harper promised to "make Canadian winters hospitable within a generation." He also talked of the country's security, promising the elimination of "ship-destroying icebergs" and "man-eating polar bears." Environment Minister Jim Prentice said he was excited about the Conservatives approach, and noted that their tropics-creating environmental plan is just one part of the party's grand scheme to make Canada a banana republic. - John Mazerolle attends the Comedy: Writing and Performance Other entries in Articles 1 Feb 2012 @ 18:53: sustainability 2012 31 Jan 2012 @ 16:56: Biome Community Harmony 2012 27 Jan 2012 @ 13:14: the $ problem 25 Jan 2012 @ 17:31: The Ocean of Pathos 2012 25 Jan 2012 @ 12:48: perspective 21 Jan 2012 @ 15:21: Humanity Prayer 2012 14 Jan 2012 @ 16:46: about love 2012 14 Jan 2012 @ 02:52: Modern Atlas 2012 13 Jan 2012 @ 23:21: law marridge and blessing 13 Jan 2012 @ 01:31: Internet Addiction 2012
|
3 Dec 2009 @ 16:10, by Unknown