 22 Dec 2001 @ 20:05, by Flemming Funch
AP - WASHINGTON D.C. - Pentagon officials announced this morning that Santa Claus has been detained on charges of terrorism.
American law enforcement officials, taking advantage of new powers granted to them under anti-terrorism legislation, arrested Santa on the grounds that he has a beard. During his daily briefing, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft said that Santa has been detained because "he looks suspicious, and thanks the PATRIOT Act, that's all we need to arrest someone these days." Santa was apparently under investigation for several months. According to Ashcroft, "we don't need warrants, we can intercept anyone's communications at will, and we found that Santa has been getting communications from militant children in terrorist countries."
"Unfortunately, Mr. Claus has made no visible attempts to fight terrorism. As the President has stated, those who aren't with us are against us," said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. Military authorities, speaking on the condition of anonymity, have disclosed that Santa was initially identified as a military target on December 16th. "We were told he was being investigated due to his frequent international travel," the source said. U.S. officials were concerned with Santa Claus' humanitarian efforts in Afghanistan in recent years.
A Pentagon spokesman confirmed that orders had been given to "eliminate Santa's sleigh" if it was spotted over U.S. airspace. According to American officials, three F-15 fighter jets intercepted the sleigh on a test flight over the North Pole and ordered head pilot Rudolph to ground it immediately. Santa was taken into custody upon landing, and is being interrogated by military authorities. Co-pilots Dasher, Dancer, and their cohorts have also been apprehended for pursuing flight lessons,and are scheduled to appear before a secret military tribunal on December 24th. Their fate, according to Pentagon officials, is "unknown, even if they're executed, no one will ever know about it. That's the new American way."
Ashcroft was enthusiastic about the proceedings, saying that "this guy is guilty, because we say so." When asked whether Santa will have a proper trial, Ashcroft said it's "clear that Mr. Claus has had dealings with terrorist countries" and he would be "prosecuted with extreme prejudice. We don't tolerate guys with beards."
Attorney General Ashcroft also said that Afghan children communicating with Santa Claus were "funded by terrorist American children" who have been sending dollar bills to the country harboring the Taliban and al Qaeda organizations. Criminal investigations of all American children are scheduled for early 2002.
(Written by Cindy K, inspired by a Canadian version. And, this is all a satire, of course.)
|
|
