Halfway 9 comments

18 May 2004 @ 10:51, by Richard Carlson The nature of the mind, when understood, No human words can compass or disclose. Enlightenment is naught to be obtained, And he that gains it does not say he knows. ---Bodhidharma It is the stars not known to science that I would know, the stars which the lonely traveler knows. ---Henry David Thoreau As long as you haven't experienced This: to die and so to grow, You are only a troubled guest On the dark earth. ---Johann Wolfgang von Goethe A glorious tiger swallowtail photographed by Tomm Lorenzin For Martha~~~ This morning, beautiful and clear after a night of roaming thunderstorms, I walked slowly down to the garden with a container of eggshells, coffee and tea grounds. This we deposit on the soil for its enrichment. There at one end were 5 perfect tiger swallowtails in a cluster, feeding in one spot. What could it mean, and what could they be doing? There was dampness there, but no more or less particularly than anywhere else. Their amazing tongues were exploring and enjoying something seemingly...but who knows? Maybe they have a season of their lives in which they simply want to gather as a species, to appreciate themselves and each other. But is that too much emotion with which to credit an insect...especially a solitary one? It might be that in the next day or 2, there will be great mating activity and our garden was like a soda fountain or dance at which young butterflies check each other out. Here's the thing: I notice it is the business and nature of life to present each of us everyday, at least one creature or phenomenon we individually never have seen before. Every day. And from what I can gather looking around at least this one universe, life itself is a somewhat rare development. That makes each of these unique sights a certified miracle. And when I think more about it, I guess each thought is a miracle too. And each heartbeat and breath. And when I think of Nature that way (and not every discovery is necessarily pretty and on-our-side) I see 3 things I should do about it. First, I should develop myself the very best I can to see these miracles, and more and more. I should be available and alert. Second, I should breathe gratitude for this vision and the opportunity to be a witness. And third, through whatever religion I practice and celebrate, I should spread the news around, some way or other. Surely those beings we consider most holy and worthy of emulation are those who have learned to do that. The guru, the prophet has figured out a way to do it all the time. And so can each of us. I suppose some of this realization is coming out from this convalescence I am enduring. However slowly I thought I was able to live my life when I wanted to, I've discovered there is a greater slowness yet available and sometimes necessary. I've discovered one never can relax totally enough: there always is more and it too sometimes is positively essential. A friend of 30 years has taught me that over time, and while she does not welcome loud celebration of her skills and healing I must tell you a couple other things she advised before my surgery. She told me to take time to appreciate and lovingly say good-bye to the part(s) of me that would be removed. She reminded me that much pleasure and life-creativity had been granted to me through that gland, and to let that gratitude spread through my body. She suggested that I develop a consciousness to welcome the surgeon's knife and the healing to follow. I worked a good deal on that, and must tell you that my last thought before the anaesthesia had its way was of an openness to the procedure that was coming. How wonderful to be granted acquaintance with other people! Dana has set strict limits for me and high expectations. At the same time she has offered a spaciousness in our relationship to accommodate a good deal of moaning and groaning on my part. While I am off the pain-killers almost entirely (except for a few hours in the middle of the night) the discomfort and suffering of major surgery is an awakening, rude or polite. My wife has been a planet of help and support through this, from start to wherever this is right now---which may be somewhat over halfway. She stood guard for me in a hospital situation that became increasingly careless. Now she continues her own heavy work schedule at the end of a schoolyear, and still makes time to nursemaid when I need it morning and night. And somehow too we have times of simple togetherness, which I'm sure we're appreciating more now. A couple months before my diagnosis, we had begun a series of contemplative prayer experiences with our interim priest at Good Shepherd, Michael Jupin. These sessions not only deepened our individual spiritual lives, but developed a strong network of comradery among us participants. When I packed my little bag for the hospital, I took nothing to read or entertain myself, except The Book of Common Prayer. In the hospital I didn't study it though, nor did I watch TV. I found myself very much in the depth of each moment there, appreciating and participating in the experience of healing. Healing seems to be something achieved by surrender and allowing it to happen. One cooperates with the setting of circumstances so it can happen, and then prayerfully it does. It is a mystery that one cuts one's finger and it heals up. It is a gift. Father Michael came to visit me twice at the hospital, and each time there was laughter and devotion. He has been another source of great inspiration at this time. So a week from tomorrow, if all is well, Dr. Batten will remove this catheter. He has advised that I notice improvement in my condition each day, but it is very slow and very minute. But it is noticeable and it cheers me on. This device has protected the healing process in the reattachment of urethra to bladder. That process is really what makes this surgery major. Depending on how this tube comes out and how I adapt to its removal, we shall know what further adaptations and work I need to make and do. And of course we must monitor what's going on in my bloodflow. This is hardly an experience one would select to have, although there definitely are free choices involved. But as with everything, there is much to learn and there is Grace to be received. Sometimes one sees it best kneeling...and looking up.

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