New Civilization News: Crazy Train    
 Crazy Train
picture 5 Dec 2005 @ 02:05, by Jose Overalles

Excuse me Sir? Sir? May I ask of you a small favor Sir? What? Oh, thank you sir! It is a lovely white van sir! Yes! It gets pretty good gas milage, yes. As I was saying sir, I was wondering if you could do me a small favor?

I was wondering when I drove by your farm here, admiring its wide open expanses, and large house, I was wondering if you might be the fellow who could help me sir. What? Why yes, I am sweating profusely sir, aren't I? Yes, well, I must have had the heat turned up to high in the van sir. Yes. Anyway, I was wondering if you might look after my passengers for a small bit of time while I er, go into town for a minute. You see, we got a flat tire up the road, and,... yes, thank you, yes we got it changed already sir, but we have no spare tire now, and I thought that maybe I could just drop my pasengers off here while I drove into town and got the tire repaired. I'd gladly pay you for your trouble sir! How about $500 dollars? Yes, that is alot of money sir. But really, I... Oh my! Is that a cow over there sir? Really! She sure is a beauty! What? No sir I wasn't trying to distract you.

As I was saying, if you could just watch... err, I mean entertain my dear passengers for just a few hours sir, I would gladly pay you one thousand dollars. Just so I can drive into town and get this tire fixed sir. They've been cooped up all day in this van and it seems unfair to make them wait in a garage while...what, I offered you 500 dollars first? Well I meant one thousand sir. I can see you are a busy man and I know your time is valuable. Does it seem like it's a bit much? Yes but....What? The beep sir? ...Oh hold on, that's my Toothphone.

Hello? Yes I'm working on it! Yes! Right now! I'll call you back OK!? Ok. Bye!

I'm sorry for that interuption sir. Was I yelling? Sorry. Oh that was my Aunt Alice. She was wondering if I'd gotten rid, I mean gotten the tire fixed yet.

Anyway sir, I was saying, If you'd just take this two thousand dollars and let me drop these folks off with you for a bit, I could get that fixed and be right back to pick them up really soon.

Did I say one thousand before? I meant two thousand sir. What! You'll do it! You'll let me dump leave these folks here while I go take care of that? Why thank you SO much sir!

Here let me introduce you to them sir. Come on out folks. This nice gentleman is going to look after you all while I go into town and get this thing fixed. Yes. Single file please. One at a time. Ok sir. This here is FRANCIS E. DEC, ESQUIRE. Say hello to the nice man Francis. Yes. And this lady's name is Elizabeth. Elizabeth is a prodigy in many fields sir. Fascinating lady. Next! Come on out Ted! This here is Ted sir. Ted's a bit of a loner sir. He may want to just hang around the barn. You don't have any explosives stored in there anyway, right sir? Just kidding! Really! I'm just kidding sir!

Are you ok sir? Now YOU look a bit sweaty sir! You suddenly don't feel well? Oh no! It could be your EPITHELIAL CHOLESTEROL CELLS! Or maybe not. You never know though. You may want to get that checked.

Well, there are two more. Come on down here George, and meet the nice sweaty man. George here has had a hard time in his apartment so he's been riding around with me. He's really a nice chap sir. Ok. Just one more. Jack! Come down here Jack! You'll love Jack sir. He knows all of the songs in the Sound of Music! And he knows latin too sir. Say Factum Non Fabula Jack. I love it when he speaks latin. See sir. They're a nice bunch, eh?

Ok sir. Here's the 2 grand I promised you. Oh heck here. Take the rest of my money too. What? Oh yes, I'll need some to fix the tire. Er yes. Ok. I'll take a hundred back, sure. Ok! So I'll be back soon. Definitely by the time Santa visits for Christmas. Oh! That was a joke sir! Of course. Just a couple hours sir. Funny thing about time sir. Some say time is a Cube ... Well, goodbye sir!

The man climbs back into his white van, squeals his tires, and speeds off into the distance.

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