 6 Jul 2004 @ 07:25, by Scotty
If you were to ask me to describe myself one of the first things I’d say is ‘I’m quite a friendly person’.
For almost my whole life being ‘friendly’ has been a kind of a shield for me to protect myself from others with.
Some of the layers of this shield are dropping away now – little by little every day - and I’m just begining to feel a space in which I realise that I am becoming ‘enough unto myself’.
In this ‘space’ a more open and less fearful connection is happening - and yet I still see myself not being totally authentic and real.
Why the heck is this so difficult?"
One of my problems is the same that every human being has to face – and that is - facing the world in which he is born.
Being ‘me’ doesn’t go well with the world. The world does not allow anybody to be what he is by nature supposed to be.
The world tries to mold people into some kind of conformity – one has to be useful - efficient - obedient – never ever rebellious - never self-asserting - never daring to declare ‘I’m an individual’ - instead one has to be subservient- almost to the point of being like a robot.
The world does not want me to be a human being. It wants me to be an efficient machine. The more efficient I am then the more respectable and honored I’ll be !!
But here’s the bummer – I wasn’t born to be a damned machine and somewhere in my childhood I began to learn how to close myself down – close myself down and protect myself from the very people who love me – or at least thought that they did !
Weird isn’t it – these people who ‘loved’ me didn’t love me ‘the way I was’ !
They didn’t love me unconditionally – they loved me as long as I was obediant and followed the rules – followed their example – was like them !
These are the people with whom I’m going to live my whole life with ... fighting against them is simply out of the question - it would have been meaningless – I’d have been crushed.
Growing up I leaned that it was wiser just to surrender and just to learn to say yes - whether I wanted to or not- repressing my No in all conditions and in all situations - I was expected to be a Yes-sayer.
The No was prohibited – saying No meant being punished ! Rejected even !
The forces of convention were too big to fight against – and too risky. And anyway I didn’t know how to !
Slowly I started learning to defend my self - to protect myself. Somehow I learned to close all the doors of my being - not exposing myself to anybody - simply pretending - like an actor.
Anything that brings me into conflict was dangerous and to open myself - even to people who were very close was risky.
I think that's why everybody has become closed. Nobody opens one's petals fearlessly like a flower dancing in the wind and in the rain, and in the sun... so fragile but without any fear.
We are all living with closed petals - afraid that if we open up we will become vulnerable and so everybody is using all differnt kinds of shields !
This whole of society has been created around a certain idea that is basically hypocritical - you have to be what others expect you to be and not be what you are. That's why everything has become so false so phony.
Everybody in the world in which we have been living has learned to become untrue and unauthentic.
My idea of being ‘real’ is someone who is ready to drop all masks - all pretensions - all hypocrisies and show the world what he/she really is - and whether he/she is loved or condemned - respected - honored or dishonored - crowned or crucified doesn’t matter - because to be onerself is the greatest blessing in existence.
Letting the sheild drop away isn’t happening overnight – I think I’ve been conditioned for so long - for so many years – actually for my whole life - that unconditioning will take a wee bit of time.
I’ve been force-fed with all kinds of false ideas that it’ll take a little time to drop them – but even to recognize that they are false is to my mind already one giant step in the right direction – so – I’ve already made a lot of progress !!
I never thought that what I was being taught by my parents ( who loved me) - by my teachers - by people I looked up to and depended upon could be wrong !
But it has been wrong – and it’s created a whole wrong world. It’s been wrong in every possible way! And the proofs are spread all over history: all the wars, all the crimes, all the rapes....the list is endless!
But I can do something about it – things can change - even if all that I can do is not corrupt the others
- if there’s anybody that I can influence then I’ll fight against influencing them in a way that he becomes false – anyway that I can I’ll help that person to be himself.
What has been done in unconsciousness to me I must not pass on to others – becauseyou see - I’m becoming a little conscious - and every day this consciousness is growing.
But I need encouragement - soul food – support !
Being here with all you fellow travelers has given me tremendous support and nourishment. Many of you have helped me to see and to bring my authentic self out of all the clouds that have been covering me (head in the clouds type that I am) – the journey of course has just begun ...a little patience will surely be needed along the road – but I know I’m not on the journey alone !
Learning to be authentic is the strangest scariest journey I’ve ever undertaken – thanks for showing me the path.
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