 6 Nov 2005 @ 07:17, by Marissa A Spencer
Life is a Journey
Though I have cried and lashed back at my emotional pain, yet I realize it has transformed me.
So comfortable in my emotional cocoon that I had no idea what was out there? I was complacent, content. I was comfortable there. Only when we suffer can we break out of our own unrealistic self-image. Would I ever have learned to truly love if I had not been deeply hurt? How else would I have learned that I needed anyone at all? I could have gone on for years and years, indeed I did just that. The bursting forth into the truth could have destroyed me, but it didn’t did it? I survived.
There was a discussion at a meditation class I attended recently. I started thinking of the areas in my own personality that was less than fully functional. In the pain of my isolation I became spiritually and emotionally mute. This translated into an inability to communicate how I felt, what I truly thought. My liberation from this was initially the Internet, then the need for me to get work.
I remember not having any trouble with software, typing and other assorted things. I tested with various temp companies and did very well in those areas. What really terrified me was talking out loud to people. So, what do you think my first jobs were? Receptionists etc…and eventually I ended up where I work now. I talk on the phone all day. I very rarely talked on the phone before this time. I recall that first day I was out on the floor…alone…just me and the computer and the telephone. I was scared. It took a lot to do that first call alone. An emergency happened on one of my calls, and I handled it calmly, competently. I decided from that point that I might be able to do this.
Another woman at the meeting was remembering her worst fears, and how life seemed to throw her into them so she could overcome them. So it is… that I learned to love. I was terrified of it. Frightening thing love, we speak of it often, but so many times we have no idea what we are talking about. I might only be seeing the tip of the iceberg, but at least I know it’s an iceberg. I can honestly say that before I crawled up from the pit of despair, I had no freaking clue. Life is a journey, a classroom, a crucible and an adventure. Just give me a minute so I can dust myself off.
Just one parting thought:
It's all part of a plan.. and the funny thing is.. we wrote it for ourselves.
© November 5, 2005 Marissa A Spencer
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